Gossip
From New Age Village
Channeled by Shepherd Hoodwin
I was fascinated to read that it is now believed that gossip evolved to serve a once-useful survival purpose: to keep a society’s members in line. For example, if someone wasn’t pulling his weight (which could be detrimental to everyone’s survival during hard times), gossip would put pressure on him by threatening expulsion.
Part of soul evolution is to transcend, in the creature of reason we inhabit, hard-wiring that is no longer constructive; in doing so, we make *choices* rather than letting ourselves be controlled by “baser” impulses. This isn’t the same as repression–what is repressed inevitably comes back up later–it’s becoming more conscious. It’s recognizing that our bodies have many inbred tendencies in our instinctive center to ensure their survival on automatic pilot. They will throw up many impulses that may not be the best available choices if we wish to live in agape. One example is reacting in violence, when our sentience gives us a lot more options for diplomacy than are hardwired into us. When we as souls are pulled in a destructive direction but consciously choose another, we grow; we establish ourselves as being more than our bodies, with all their self-protective mechanisms. By consciously choosing, we exercise and grow our ability to be creators, not just reactors.
It’s like learning to ride a horse. Our body self is an untamed horse; our growth task is to learn to ride it smoothly in the service of love.
There are many other hard-wired traits that can trip us up. For example, people who wish to be monogamous fight the biological imperative to spread their seed as far and wide as possible (survival of the fittest). Aggression once helped males get mates because it demonstrated their ability to protect their family. Now, we more often recognize when it becomes abusive and see other options (although the caveman mentality is still evident throughout our society in various ways).
All manners of pettiness can also be traced to how our instincts react under fear: gossip’s cousins judgmentalness, exclusion, and even demonization can be used to make others conform in a primitive society. The fear of foreigners, of “not us,” is part of our hardwiring: it is natural that there would be a fear of what has not yet been proven safe in primitive cultures. It is showing up now in the hysteria about illegal immigration in the U.S., which, objectively speaking, is “much ado about nothing”: many studies have shown that the problems and benefits cancel each other out–it’s a wash. Emotions run hot because it triggers these ancient survival mechanisms (and politicians manipulate them). This “us vs. them” mentality may at one point have ensured our ancestors’ survival, but, ironically, it now threatens it. If we can’t transcend and transmute these base instincts, we *won’t* survive.
Many animals are territorial–they mark and enforce their boundaries, sometimes unto death. When we see this in humans, along with competition, backstabbing to get ahead, and doing anything else “necessary” to survive, we can see instincts at work. As we grow spiritually, we begin to measure what we think and feel vs. a yardstick of love. We sense what will pull down our vibration and what will raise it, and we resist what pulls us down. As the quote goes, we learn to not believe everything we think and feel. We ask ourselves if they’re in alignment with love, truth, and beauty.
In Michael’s terms, when destructive instincts arise, they enlist false personality to their cause. The particular way we rationalize being petty is our chief feature: we tell ourselves the lie that, in order to survive, we have to dig in our heels, hold onto control, or put others down, as the case may be. That, in turn, triggers the negative poles of the roles and overleaves in a domino effect.
Gossip, in particular, is a running judgmental commentary on other people’s actions. It used to be thought of being especially the domain of older women, perhaps who didn’t have anything better to do, but it’s been since shown that men do it about equally–just about everyone gossips. Some Michael students think that sages do it more than others, but I don’t observe that: sages are just more vocal about it.
It’s true that if we are steamed up about something, venting in a safe place can let off some of that steam and make us feel better. We all get steamed up sometimes. But this begs the question: why are we steamed? What needs growth and healing in us that causes us to be so reactive? Why do we care so much about other people’s choices? If we observe ourselves gossiping, it’s a clear sign that we need to get a life. If we need drama, that’s why God created television. And movies, and books. They’re usually a lot more interesting.
Michael had said that we’re responsible only for our own choices, and for dependents such as children and/or elderly parents we’ve volunteered to care for. Maybe “only” is not the best word here: being responsible for ourselves is a full-time job. If we’re paying full attention to our own choices, our words, attitudes, ways of being, etc., we do not have time to be evaluating what others should be doing. It’s none of our business.
Some feel that the world would be boring without gossip. If we weren’t talking negatively about others, what would we be doing? It can be addictive, like cigarettes or alcohol–it can seem to fill a void. However, when we let go of addictions, we can find many more-fulfilling pleasures to take their place.
One of the key lessons of life is knowing what is ours to choose, and what is others to choose. Certainly, the choices of others affect us to some degree–it’s not cut-and-dried. The way other people do their jobs, for example, may have some impact on me–someone dealing with my problem at a business or government agency, for instance. It is certainly my choice if I wish to plead my case, but if, in the end, it is not my decision, that’s the way it is. If there is a higher chain of command, I might then choose to go over the person’s head, but ultimately, someone who has the choice besides me will make the call, and I either abide by that or make myself miserable railing against it. I have countless choices to make every day, but I don’t get to choose for others. Accepting other people’s choices gracefully when we don’t agree with them is part of maturity. If we want others to accept our “no,” we have to also be able to take no for an answer.
In every group, there are conflicts either out front or behind the scenes. We’re all imperfect humans, and none of us are immune to such things. Still, I think that more humility on everyone’s part would go a long way towards resolving them. In such things, it’s predictable that most assume that the problems are other people’s fault. That, itself, is the real problem. If we would take responsibility, respect other people’s choices and right to choose, and focus on our own lives, most of the drama would cease. Instead, we harden into tribal polarization, demonizing certain people and taking sides: things are reduced to simplistic good guys vs. bad guys, and that’s rarely the way it really is. The lines are drawn according to these ancient survival instincts rather than good sense. It’s a huge energy drain for all concerned, and sad.
Inevitably, one is reminded of Rodney King’s question, “Can we all get along?” Whatever it is, let it go. Do we need to talk about others negatively so much? Do we need to be angry to feel alive and powerful? Does our sense of worth hinge on being better than some other people? How much of this is the same-old same-old tribalism, the instinctive center feeling threatened? Don’t we really know better than this? If we want to learn agape, we need to practice being kind, respectful, and compassionate when it’s not easy to do so. As Jesus said, anyone can do it when it’s easy.
If we have a grievance against someone, it’s best to take it directly to that person. Talking about it with others isn’t going to solve the problem. If we try and don’t get satisfaction, then it’s a growth opportunity to let it go and move on. Nursing grudges disempowers us. If we’re fixated on something and can’t let it go, that’s a big clue about what we need to heal in ourselves. There are things that have taken me years to let go of; it’s not easy sometimes. We don’t heal immediately because we have the right attitude, but taking responsibility for ourselves is where it starts.
Yes, some people have done some terrible things. They’ve also done some wonderful things. Yes, some are more dysfunctional and difficult and karmaholic than others, and some we may choose to avoid, but there aren’t too many Joseph Stalin types around. If you want to demonize him, I’d go along with that. Probably Dick Cheney, too, although he has a really nice wife who writes steamy lesbian fiction, so I’d probably just say that he’s a paranoid lying fearmonger with some good traits, too (he stood by his gay daughter; he doesn’t beat his dog). But I can’t get too enthusiastic about demonizing most people. I don’t like everyone, but I can usually see most people’s humanity.
Obviously, there are things worth fighting for and against. There are times when a boundary needs to be made, when a stand needs to be taken. But most of the time, we are better served by ignoring what we don’t wish to feed energy to. Just don’t react. Don’t defend. Stay open. Keep your sense of humor. If nothing else, stay silent. It takes two to tango (and in case you didn’t get enough cliches already, I might add: Make love, not war, and Don’t worry, be happy). False personality has to be right all the time; true personality can bend. If we want peace on earth, we have to start locally, where we are. Do we want peace, or do we want to be right? Not peace at any price, but peace is of great value, not worth throwing away because we’re triggered. Self-righteousness is the enemy of peace. Self-righteousness is directly proportional to maya (illusion). It’s simply not statistically possible that everyone who thinks he’s right actually is, but even when, objectively speaking, we are faultless, self-righteousness is not helpful. For one thing, it’s a killjoy. A good sense of humor, especially about ourselves, is a potent antidote to it. If we’re embroiled in drama, we really need to lighten up, in more ways than one.
We all have blind spots. If someone criticizes me, I start from the assumption that there might be something to it, and I look at it. However, it is my choice to do so, and it is my choice as to whether I finally agree with the criticism. If others do not choose to look at themselves, that is their right. Ultimately, I find that there are some people I don’t wish to have in my life because I can’t find the win-win–again, my choice. And if others don’t wish to have me in their life, that, too, is their choice. There are plenty of positive things to focus on; focusing on the negatives proliferates them. We need to deal with them pragmatically, but if that’s all that’s on our horizon, we’re not living. I speak as someone who has not found it easy to focus on the positives–I feel every pea under the mattress. But I’m working on it. As the saying goes, when life hands you peas, make pea soup. Then we can have whirled peas.
Someday, probably after we’re dead, we’re all going to have a good laugh with our friends about the dumb things we fought about. I’ll meet you at the Astral Bar and Grill. And then we can talk about the outrageous things those *other* people did on the physical plane. SO much worse than us. Won’t that be fun?
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